Saturday, September 15, 2012

The world keeps turning and I'm still standing.

So I'm writing again.
This is how it must be for my sanity and no one else.
From my last entry, I have to say that I was lost in an emotional whirl wind of shit.
It's funny how you can put so much emphasis on one person that you forget that your own self worth. Hell, you even forget you have a life.  It may not be a James Bond life style of non stop action, but it is still your own.
I had forgotten this. i had forgotten myself.
Ferris Buller said it best. If you don't pay attention, life can pass you by.
He wasn't fucking around.
For the past six months I felt that I took one emotional back breaking blow after another. Sitting at home wallowing in a self made septic tank of self loathing and regret. Another beer, another cigarette, another reason to beat my self up, This is not who I am. But it happens to the best and worse of us.
I sat there for months torturing myself about some one special to me who had not only moved on, but was married and a family on the way.
Oppenheimer couldn't make closure this...efficient.
But life goes on.
This is a statement that was lost to me for a very long time. I couldn't let go, however there is no choice like the one you don't have.
So the feet must move. The journey must continue, regardless of how you feel or perceive yourself.
There must me motion, you must tredge through the trenches.
That which does not kill you, Gets you ready for the next event that will.
I can hack it.
I always do.
I'm stronger than what i give myself credit for.
And I can not be denied the talents that come from within.
New Dawns new days
Some start with sun, some start with rain.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Please, someone, spare me my pain.

A year later and my world has turned to shit.

I'm very lucky no one follows my blog. It has been too long since I've written here but it's the only sanctuary I have left.
The amount of venting I need to do, is something that I wish not to burden my friends with. I've done enough to pester them with my half-ass self inflicted dramas.
Where do I begin. about 6 months ago my Aunt was diagnosed with cancer. She is an Aunt that is so in line with my upbringing that I can't remember a time with out her. My uncle, god bless his soul, fought with her and by the graces of some omni present being that cares nothing for children, she is recovering.
She is alive and bearing the scars of a gladiator that refuses to roll over at what was deemed a losing battle. God is with her and she lives her life anew.  A symbol of strength and resilience. I love and cherish her and happy she had won out.
Then there are the tragedies. I lost my long time companion Shinobi who had succumbed to kidney failure. He was more than a cat to me. He had been through 13 yrs of my life. And we shared so much. I miss everyday. I hear his meow before I sleep. I miss ability to vanish and reappear with the stealth that gave him his name. I miss his green eyes and his friendly demeanor. He was loved by so many. I will miss him so much. I have to spread his ashes. Today will be that day. I love you Mister Mister.
The greatest loss I've experienced was my dearest friend Abbey. It would be 2 years ago that she had passed and if there was ever a time I needed her more would be now. Her absence has left a chasm that cannot be replaced. She had changed so many for the good. A blinding touch of wisdom and grace that surpasses glory in a way that all are blessed to have just spent a moment with her.
If there was ever a time I needed her most. Is now. I miss you my dear Abbey. May the Gods treat you right, or I'll destroy every last one of them. Go in peace and know that my love will never diminish, never wain. I hope one day we meet again. I do miss our talks.
Then came more...
I was in a relationship with someone very special. So special that I took it for granted. I never allowed it to flourish. My depression and self destruction had set in motion a demise I never though would rattle this bad. It was a relationship that had very weird beginnings. Awkward and slow, but grew strong. A bond that is still alive today, but not as one. Not anymore.
I was with my dear Pris for 5 1/2 years. Everyday was a marvel of ecstasy a happiness that I have never though possible. She loved me. She honestly and whole heartily loved me, and I loved her. I could not picture a day with out her smile, her dreams, her term oil and her joy. Alas, like all engagements of love in my life. I had destroyed it. My complacency and frigid treatment of her had smothered this once great love that we possessed. I smothered it like a kitten, holding it under water until its death rattle became calm. All is not a calm. All is not good. I miss her more now than ever.
She has found love in a new pair of arms, a new set of eyes and she is happy. I am happy for her. I truly am.
I have never met a person that has given so much of herself in everything that she does.  Her intelligence, compassion and drive are none that I've seen before. It's like being in orbit of the sun. Illuminating with all the glories of the universe; A force so powerful it bends time and space. I am lucky to know her and have the ability to call her friend, but Losing her has become my greatest regret. A badge of shame that I will bear for the rest of my life.
This has been my year.
My year of shit.